On Being Unhappy

Ah... To be happy. Isn't that what life really is about? There really is nothing else.

There have been very few truly happy moments in my life. So few that if I objectively considered it, it would be fewer than the fingers on one hand.

The first of these was before I even started going to school, before my dad was heavily into the affair that broke our family apart. When I was a kid, maybe 3 or 4 years old, I used to sleep between my mom and dad on their bed, because there weren't enough beds to go around just yet. I liked being there right in the middle. I felt so safe and secure, between my mom and dad. There to make me feel even safer was my own special pillow, shaped like a cat.

My mom took care of me a lot more than my dad, since my dad was always at work and she stayed at home with me. She always read me stories from all sorts of books. Sometimes she sang to me. She taught me how to write, though I always wanted to use pencils for drawing rather than writing.

Then for no reason I could understand back then, my dad would disappear on for days or weeks on end. Then for no reason I could understand, my mother stopped reading me stories and she would do nothing. She would then cry all by herself and sleep the whole day, leaving the run of the apartment to me until my sisters went home from school.

Sometimes, my dad would come back, for a few days or sometimes, a few hours at a time. I loved my dad a lot more back then than I do now. I never questioned anything he did. I adored him. Whenever he was back from wherever he went, he always spent a lot of time with me. He taught me all sorts of stuff. Like how cartoons are made. About trains, planes, and automobiles. About hydroelectric plants, Star Wars movies, basketball (if you know me, you'll find that funny), computers, typewriters, aswang, chess, and many more things I still find interesting. He brought me toys, and we all know how much these sorts of things can make a kid happy. More importantly, he was there.

But at that point I knew something was definitely wrong. My parents talked to each other, but seemed distant altogether, even if they slept on the same bed. Then one day, my mother had to go to Manila by herself for a few days.

I couldn't sleep as well as I used to. I was used to sleeping without my dad there, but not without my mother. Even with my dad next to me, I simply couldn't stand being in the dark without my mother.

Then something happened that I would never forget. He turned on the bed lamp. I asked if we could leave it on while I tried to sleep. He said yes. I still couldn't sleep but I felt a lot better. Then after sometime, we began to talk. Leaving that lamp on was the best thing my father ever did for me. After what seemed to be the shortest time, I saw my first sunrise. It was the first time I saw the sun peeking that way through our screen window. The light was weird and it felt unusual to see the room bathed in the purple-gray light of dawn, with the bedlamp shining on me. It was at that instance I felt I had everything, and that nothing more could make things any better. I would not feel that way again until I met the love of my life, just a few years ago.

My dad moved out of the apartment for a good just a few weeks later, after admitting to and refusing to end his affair. June of that year, I started going to school.

As I grew older, I began to understand people, including my parents, a lot better. And after I had relationships and problems of my own, I finally understood how my dad could have done such a thing. It could not have been easy. He was making a conscious decision to make himself happy, perhaps at the expense of everyone in his family. The pursuit of happiness is not necessarily without victims.

Happiness is hard to come by, and so much harder to keep. That's why some might pursue it, no matter the cost to others. That's not something I think I'd do easily. I hope I'm never put in too many situations where I will have to choose.

What's more, the more you know, the more difficult everything is. For example, my sisters hated my father for having his affair a lot more than I did, simply because they actually knew what was going on and understood what was happening, because they were older.

I've long realized that people who sometimes wish they didn't know what they knew or wish they were stupid, would more often than not, wish they were dead or didn't exist. It's just that there are things to do and things to keep doing, and people to keep from being sad, and people to keep from disappointing. Even when we are unhappy, we still want to see what goes next. It also seems we are still often unwilling to take happiness from certain people even if we ourselves are unhappy.

Feeling happy for keeps is hard. Even for those with religion or strong guiding principles in their lives, I'd bet. This is quite a difficult situation as feeling truly good about everything, even for a brief moment is something we all want. Taking advice from people who are already sickeningly chipper is sort of a crapshoot. Not only don't they always get you, there simply is no one way to it. I wish I could find my own.

For many such as myself, the challenge is to simply feel. Anything. Or to be in control. Or too simply experience something new. We will take anything we can get, if there is anything to take.

As for me, life's a show and it's been ok so far. Not that great. I just want to see what happens next.

Francis Magalona's Shirts

I'd rather not talk about how Francis Magalona lived, or about what he left behind when he died. There are far more who knew him better and who could write better on those things.

Instead, I'd rather talk about his line of graphic tees and apparel. Goddamn. I really think he made some ugly shirts. I respect his musical legacy. His shirts, a lot less so. From just an aesthetic point of view. Nothing personal. I'm sure lots of people wear his shirts because of the message or whatever. I don't care. Still ugly.

Checklist for Identifying Douchebags.

The world is full of douchebags. You might even be friends with some of them. Probably because douchebags CAN be funny, or cheerful on occasion. However they tend to be a pain to coexist with for extended periods of time. But these people are so entrenched in society that it can be hard to tell which person is a douchebag and which one is merely an asshole. There is one good rule of thumb, though- generally speaking, assholes tend to be smarter than douchebags and tend to have better taste. Douchebags also tend to like sports a whole lot more (since assholes are generally smarter).

Fortunately for those whose stereotyping skills are not quite up to par, I will present a list of items that will help identify who is and isn't a douchebag, in the Filipino setting. Unfortunately, while there are female douchebags, this list is primarily geared for dudes. Some items are still applicable, though. Add one point for every item unless stated otherwise.

• Wears pink.
• Somewhat buff arms and torso, totally out of proportion with the rest of said douchebag's body. An obvious beer belly in addition to these is a dead giveaway.
• Overly cluttered and fancy graphic tees. Especially if the graphics are off center. Plus 2 points if the shirt has a picture of a guitar that the wearer could not identify.
• Tight golf shirts. Any tight shirts, really. Especially from Abercrombie and Fitch, American Eagle, or Hollister. Add one point if the items are from SM Surplus. Add 2 if items are pink. Add 3, if a collar is popped.
  
• Plaid shorts. Especially clamdiggers. Non-plaid clamdiggers might be indicative of a slightly out-of-date douchebag.
• Likes Akon. Or Li'l Wayne. Add 10 points if applicable. Add 20 points if they own a CD.
• Uses more than one facial care product.
• Wears shuttershades or Oakley style sunglasses.
• Wears any sort of sunglasses in a mall or at night.
• Has graduated high school but has never read a book without pictures.
• Wears hats with stickers on them. Add another point if hat is sideways.
• Wears fedoras with a t-shirt, or anything that isn't a good button-down shirt and slacks.
• Is obsessed with basketball.
• Wears shitty Adidas sandals, especially when playing sports.
  
• Excessively gelled hair. 5 points for a fauxhawk.
• Drinks San Mig Light and insists that Pale Pilsen is for old people.
• Wears chains.
• Wears baller ID wristbands or anything like them.
• Wears jewelry that actually spells out stuff.
• Wears white crosstrainers/ basketball shoes with casual shorts
• Doesn't wear socks.
• 10 points if they have a motorcycle with really loud speakers that play really shitty music (see item on Akon and Li'l Wayne)
• 10 points if they modified their motorcycle with aftermarket parts that don't make them look any better.
• Buys cologne at least 4 times a year.
• Erroneously calls eau de cologne, eau de toilette, or aftershave, "perfume".
• Unwilling to acknowledge that UFC and MMA generally LOOK gay.
• Wears scarves when it isn't particularly cold, or isn't mandated by religion.
• Buys anything that is pre-distressed when brand new.
• Looks like Willie Revillame
• 10 points if they describe themselves as artistic.
• Has the conversational skills of a PE teacher

If the person being analyzed for douchebagginess is using a fake item (Hulister, Oakey, Abercomie, etc), please multiply the number of points on the appropriate item by 2. Except if they own an original Akon or Li'l Wayne CD, or actually bought tracks off iTunes or wherever. In this case, please send me their address so we can send a death squad.

Topsiders or boat shoes might indicate the presence of either a douchebag, or someone who just doesn't care one way or the other. Please inspect the perp more thoroughly and see if other items apply. Other borderline indicators include Rayban Wayfarers and Aviators, Vans shoes, playing airsoft, and working in a call center.

Please also note that shopping at Penshoppe, while not a direct indicator of douchebagginess, has been linked to poor douchebags.

Please also note that this is a partial list and is subject to change. List does not always apply to foreign douchebags.

Please compare the total score with the table below.

0 points : Not necessarily a good person. But at least: Not a douchebag.

1-2 points: Normal range. Has some annoying quirks. Getting there.

3 points and up: Definite douchebag.

If subject has any sports-related items scored: Possible Besketball Dork, a specialized subset of douchebag. Common in families with seamen.

15 points and up: Willie Revillame