Checklist for Identifying Douchebags.

The world is full of douchebags. You might even be friends with some of them. Probably because douchebags CAN be funny, or cheerful on occasion. However they tend to be a pain to coexist with for extended periods of time. But these people are so entrenched in society that it can be hard to tell which person is a douchebag and which one is merely an asshole. There is one good rule of thumb, though- generally speaking, assholes tend to be smarter than douchebags and tend to have better taste. Douchebags also tend to like sports a whole lot more (since assholes are generally smarter).

Fortunately for those whose stereotyping skills are not quite up to par, I will present a list of items that will help identify who is and isn't a douchebag, in the Filipino setting. Unfortunately, while there are female douchebags, this list is primarily geared for dudes. Some items are still applicable, though. Add one point for every item unless stated otherwise.

• Wears pink.
• Somewhat buff arms and torso, totally out of proportion with the rest of said douchebag's body. An obvious beer belly in addition to these is a dead giveaway.
• Overly cluttered and fancy graphic tees. Especially if the graphics are off center. Plus 2 points if the shirt has a picture of a guitar that the wearer could not identify.
• Tight golf shirts. Any tight shirts, really. Especially from Abercrombie and Fitch, American Eagle, or Hollister. Add one point if the items are from SM Surplus. Add 2 if items are pink. Add 3, if a collar is popped.
  
• Plaid shorts. Especially clamdiggers. Non-plaid clamdiggers might be indicative of a slightly out-of-date douchebag.
• Likes Akon. Or Li'l Wayne. Add 10 points if applicable. Add 20 points if they own a CD.
• Uses more than one facial care product.
• Wears shuttershades or Oakley style sunglasses.
• Wears any sort of sunglasses in a mall or at night.
• Has graduated high school but has never read a book without pictures.
• Wears hats with stickers on them. Add another point if hat is sideways.
• Wears fedoras with a t-shirt, or anything that isn't a good button-down shirt and slacks.
• Is obsessed with basketball.
• Wears shitty Adidas sandals, especially when playing sports.
  
• Excessively gelled hair. 5 points for a fauxhawk.
• Drinks San Mig Light and insists that Pale Pilsen is for old people.
• Wears chains.
• Wears baller ID wristbands or anything like them.
• Wears jewelry that actually spells out stuff.
• Wears white crosstrainers/ basketball shoes with casual shorts
• Doesn't wear socks.
• 10 points if they have a motorcycle with really loud speakers that play really shitty music (see item on Akon and Li'l Wayne)
• 10 points if they modified their motorcycle with aftermarket parts that don't make them look any better.
• Buys cologne at least 4 times a year.
• Erroneously calls eau de cologne, eau de toilette, or aftershave, "perfume".
• Unwilling to acknowledge that UFC and MMA generally LOOK gay.
• Wears scarves when it isn't particularly cold, or isn't mandated by religion.
• Buys anything that is pre-distressed when brand new.
• Looks like Willie Revillame
• 10 points if they describe themselves as artistic.
• Has the conversational skills of a PE teacher

If the person being analyzed for douchebagginess is using a fake item (Hulister, Oakey, Abercomie, etc), please multiply the number of points on the appropriate item by 2. Except if they own an original Akon or Li'l Wayne CD, or actually bought tracks off iTunes or wherever. In this case, please send me their address so we can send a death squad.

Topsiders or boat shoes might indicate the presence of either a douchebag, or someone who just doesn't care one way or the other. Please inspect the perp more thoroughly and see if other items apply. Other borderline indicators include Rayban Wayfarers and Aviators, Vans shoes, playing airsoft, and working in a call center.

Please also note that shopping at Penshoppe, while not a direct indicator of douchebagginess, has been linked to poor douchebags.

Please also note that this is a partial list and is subject to change. List does not always apply to foreign douchebags.

Please compare the total score with the table below.

0 points : Not necessarily a good person. But at least: Not a douchebag.

1-2 points: Normal range. Has some annoying quirks. Getting there.

3 points and up: Definite douchebag.

If subject has any sports-related items scored: Possible Besketball Dork, a specialized subset of douchebag. Common in families with seamen.

15 points and up: Willie Revillame